Polygamerous Zombie Survival Guide
1. The Basics
- Get your fat friend to accompany you. Don’t have a fat friend? Make one. Already fat yourself? Find someone fatter than yourself and make friends with them. You want to do this so that when the hordes of undead are chasing you, they will go for the greater source of meat. (Warning: This strategy works for most zombies but beware of Jersey Shore/Venice Beach zombies as they will go for the leaner meat.)
- Get a melee weapon. Anything can be turned into a weapon but make sure that you have the actual physical capacity to use said weapon. While a sledgehammer can do a lot of zombie wrecking, it won’t be much use to you if you can’t lift it. Your best options are aluminum bats and golf clubs. Wooden weapons work as well but have much less durability than something metal.
- Don’t give just anyone a gun. If the person doesn’t know how to properly use a gun or they can’t shoot worth shit they don’t need it. They’re just going to waste the ammunition and possibly shoot one of the other survivors. Also, if anyone is unstable mentally or seems a bit “twitchy” they don’t get a gun either.
- Don’t forget your towel. You’d be surprised how many uses a towel has. It can be a blanket. Rolled up it can be a pillow. You can wrap it around your face to help deal with the zombie stench. And if anyone in your survivor group starts to go crazy you can smother them with the towel.
- Wear appropriate clothes. High-heels, skirts, shorts, and flip-flops are not going to help you at all. One of your first priorities should always be changing into flexible clothing with socks and shoes.
- Granola bars and Gatorade are your best bet for nutrition. They will last for a long time and give you a lot more energy than junk food. Plus they are small and compact and are easily carried.
- Get a backpack. This may seem obvious but this is often overlooked by zombie outbreak survivors.
- Don’t grab too much stuff. While 7 shotguns may seem like a great idea you won’t be able to carry them practically. Ammunition is also heavy. Take what you can carry but not so much and it hinders your running.
- Find a car, preferably a truck. Cars can help you carry extra supplies and trucks are better because they have 4-wheel drive. However, cars need gas which means you’ll have to stop in populous areas. Cars will also make you a target from other survivor groups.
- Fire good and fire bad. Fire is a great way to set up a defensible area and works well to fend off the infected. Fire also works as a beacon which can be both positive and negative. A signal fire will help rescuers find you but also helps the infected find you.
- Try to determine what kind of zombie outbreak you are dealing with. If it is just a virus that makes people cannibals then you can outlast it. Eventually the infected will starve to death. If the infected truly are the undead then you’re going to be having a harder time surviving it. Find a military base. Believe it or not the military is trained to deal with such outbreaks and have plenty of supplies.
- Special infected. If you are as unfortunate to be in a green flu outbreak then I am sorry. You are going to need to find 3 other people to help you survive this and they are all going to need to be immune to the virus. Watch each others back and for god’s sake put on your damn headset.
- Travel north. Traveling north is always a good idea. Zombies don’t have body heat and will freeze like corpse-sickles in a winter climate.
- Get a cat. Cats are the guardians of the underworld and should your zombie outbreak be caused by an Egyptian spell the cat will ward off the dead. Cats also make for decent company.
- Klaatu birata nikto. Before picking up any book say those words.
Editorial by Ninth Batter the author/creator of Nobody Like You.
Any opinions expressed in posts on Polygamerous are not necessarily the opinions of Polygamerous or the other Authors/Editors/Podcasters of Polygamerous.